Day 356
Monday 4/18
Anel is doing well.
It’s hard for me to believe it’s been a year. The stroke happened on a Tuesday night, 4/27 around 9. I’ve been replaying all the events in my head. That day I bought some clothes. I remember all the little details of that trip to the clothing store. Buying shirts and shoes without a clue of what the evening held. Anel threw her foot on the table to show off her freshly painted toenails at dinner that night. We were all being silly. We laughed and laughed. Then the feeling of exhaustion when Anel and I sat on the couch that night. LOL exhaustion. . . . if I had only known.
As she’s done better these last few months I’ve crawled out of crisis mode. I’ve been learning that having the time to process is much different than having the capacity to. House burning in January and almost losing my wife in April. It’s more than crisis, it’s more than trauma, it’s more than an inflection point. I’m forever different. How . . . . . with tears in my eyes, I don’t fully know yet. I do know the fabric of who I am was ripped. Ripped pretty hard.
Here recently when I’ve been quiet at night, meditating, praying. I’ve struggled thinking about the other side of the story. What if she didn’t make it? We’d be coming up on the anniversary of her passing. It’s hard thoughts. It’s full of questions. Should I dig around in it? Should I explore these emotions? Is there something to be found? Again, I don’t know but my mind is going there. . . so I let go.
There’s plenty I don’t know, and I’m ok with that. I think I am, because of what I do know. What I see, hear, and feel. Anel getting better. The kids growing in amazing ways. Miranda going to OU. Kenneth driving. Life goes on, doesn’t it? Even if we feel we're on pause, it keeps moving.
I’ve enjoyed the videos but I’ve been wanting to write to you all. There’s been plenty of great wins and laughs.
I’ve named her feet. Yep. Elma is her right and Fern is her left. Think great-grandmas from the ’80s. You know, so short they can’t see over the steering wheel but they drive anyways. When they get pulled over, the cops roll their eyes and say, Oh it’s you again. I don’t know if you remember the real silver and glass salt and pepper shakers that use to be on restaurant tables in the ‘80s but I sure do and I’ll tell you how. My great grand had about 300 of them in her kitchen. She was under the impression that when the bill was paid everything on the table was hers. Yeah for real. It all went into her purse. That’s the model for Elma and Fern. They have full-on conversations with me every morning and evening when they're getting slathered in oil. Anel laughs and laughs. It’s pure silliness but we love it.
I love my wife my kids my family and my friends. Thank you for being with us. For supporting us. For loving us.
